Let me open with, I am so sorry to everyone who has been following my content. I’ve been in a dark, ugly mental space lately. I’m still figuring it out day-to-day, but still no excuse to fall off the way I have. I’ve been depressed and questioning a lot lately. I’ve been questioning myself, why do I do what I do, what’s the point, why am I alive?
I guess to answer these questions I need to go back to the time I saved my own life. When I hit my version of rock bottom, I had cut myself really really bad and I was sitting in the bathtub bleeding over the sides and I was convinced I wanted to kill myself that day. Luckily, I was unsuccessful that day. I haven’t been back to that dark place until recently. When it feels like you have no purpose, you’re a burden on everyone around you, like you just shouldn’t be alive. But when I tell you, it gets better, I am not joking. Just recently, I had just woken up after talking to my brother the night before telling him I was thinking about killing myself again. That morning I woke up thinking, who am I to put that pressure on him? Who am I to take away my Abuela’s reason to keep going? I found that my “why” is so much bigger than my urges to end it all.
My “why” keeps me pushing forward, it keeps my inner demons in check. Beyond my immediate family, I have my iron family. A major reason why I have been able to keep myself sane, and maintain my focus on “dew north” is because I have the stability of knowing everyday my teammates and coaches will be there. No matter if we’re discussing one of the lifts, personal issues, or talking about career stuff, we are always there for eachother. I feel that I’m apart of something far larger than myself.
What is my “why”? It’s more than a simple x=y answer. My why is the 11 year old girl who was left sobbing and shaking on the floor after being sexually abused again and again. I still carry that little girl in me. I am strong for her. I grind out lifts that I previously thought impossible because it’s my responsibility to show her that she can get up off that floor, and if she had the strength to get up and go to her room and continue living her life then I, 14 years later, can lift any weight, accomplish any goal, achieve anything I put my mind to. Period.